Controlling Personality

Understanding a Controlling Personality

In a marriage there can be one spouse who has a controlling personality.  This person feels as though they are the head of the house hold and should make all decisions regarding family matters. The controller uses verbal abusive and intimidation to try to take charge of the situation and although the controller may not use psychical abuse, the emotion battering can take a toll.

There are two main reasons for a person to have to always be in control. They are fear and pride.  They fear that if they do not control their partners every move and know where they are at all times, they risk losing the partner. This is usually due to living in a controlling home when growing up and having little self esteem.  Along with fear there is a need to always be right. This is pride driven fear and it is another way to intimidate and control. The controller will often correct the spouse citing that whatever they are saying is wrong.  This is an attempt to lead the spouse into believing that without the controller’s approval, any decisions made by them are incorrect.

Although it may seem that the controlling personality knows what he’s doing, he probably doesn’t.  Even after bringing it to his attention, the controller may not understand what he is doing until an example of the behavior has been pointed out. If the controlling personality has a pride driven fear he will probably dismiss the idea all together. This can be disastrous in a marriage situation.

The spouse of a controller usually goes through many years of verbal and mental abuse. They might have also lived in a home with controlling parents or siblings and thinks this type of behavior is acceptable. The spouse either becomes beat down by the abuse over the years and accepts it or decides they have had enough. When the spouse decides a change is needed the situation can become heated or even violent and the marriage becomes unsafe. If the couple isn’t separated at this point problems can escalate.

The only way to resolve this issue within a marriage is, if the controller realizes that he has a problem. He must accept the fact that he has issues and try to resolve them as they come up. He must apologize and assure his spouse that he will no longer continue on with his behavior.

It is a step in the right direction for the controller is to try to figure out what triggers his negative responses and actions. It then becomes easier to identify the underlining reasons for fear or fear driven pride. It may be a word that triggers a reaction or a memory from a childhood situation.  Either way it is important to know when negative feelings start to come out and how to try and stop them.

After the controlling personality has gone through all the steps to stop acting out, he must try to be happy. One of the biggest traits of a controller is an over all negative attitude. Since the controller is short of self esteem and fears losing, it is imperative to find a hobby or interest that occupies time productively and has results. Accomplishing something is the best way to boost an ego in a positive way. He must try to stay positive and associate with positive people. A controller should not only stay away from negative people but he should also watch the things that come out of his mouth. It is easy to criticize other people but it just another negative action and should be avoided.